story of bridges and walls

I grew up with Harry Potter. Which should explain...


One day,
I build a bridge
to cross 
a deadly river. 


As I was 
about to cross, 
Death stood 
on my way 
and build 
a wall 


on my bridge. 
The End.




It doesn't end there. Yet. 




And so I leaned
to the wall,
the talking wall.


As I listened, 
Death stood there
listening
to the wall
and
to me.


Fin.




...


I really hope that Death will slaughter the persona with truth. I mean, that would be even more dramatic right? Or tragic. But I'm pretty sure Death is just scared of the persona.


Oh, also Death has a fake friend but he betrayed his true friend but he kept on insisting that he is never a betrayer of friend.


What lies, what lies.


Oh wait, Death has no friend. He killed them all! 




footnote: Just eccentric, isn't it?

to bid goodnight

Preserve your memory, that's all that's left of me.

Sometimes you push yourself too hard trying to fix many things that people say that you can't fix.
They say you can't mend this. This is beyond repair. Leave it be. Let it pass.

You push yourself to beyond your limit simply because you believe.
Faith and belief have brought you there.
You tried hard.
You tried.
You alone.

And then, you finally did it. Everything seems to fall into place.
You mended well. You repaired marvelously. You fixed splendidly.

And they cheered but they left.
And they thanked but they ignored.


How would you feel?
If you was me, I'd stop.
I know I would've stop trying.
I know I should've ignored.
I know I could've let it pass.


But you, you never stop trying. You keep on going.
They tried to break you down. You keep on trying.

One day, they left you with a goodnight.

That was the moment I realized, I had become you.


Until then.

You and I are different characters.
footnote: Resisting the strong urge to ignore and most importantly, to swear uncontrollably.

to steal time

Did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way?

Semester 4 of 8 - Half of the semester passed. This is my progress.

Subject 1.

I had my first and I studied two hours before the quiz. My result was pretty doomed but I passed more than half of the full marks. I have not done my individual presentation because I skipped several classes. I have no specific reason to skip the class. Sometimes, I am wide awake on my bed but I just stare the ceiling even if I were ready for the class.

Need to seriously fixed.

Subject 2.

I will be having my first micro teaching this week.Wish me well, wish me best, wish me awesome. Well, pray us best because we're teaching in pairs. Haven't had any quiz yet. I enjoy the classes but attendance needed to be supervised.

Need to be more careful.

Subject 3.

I should be honest: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE REALLY GATHERED from this subject. Will be having a quiz this week and at this hour, I planned to start sketching out mind maps for the subject. Had reflective quiz before and it was totally informative. Hopefully. This is the only subject with final paper so I guess I really must work harder.

Need to study better.

Subject 4. 

This subject requires reading theoretical stuff but will be assessed practically. Unfair? I'm not sure. Had first quiz, know no result. Next quiz is next week. Micro teaching after the holiday and attendance bravo! Almost perfect.

Need to revise and plan well.

Subject 5.

Most interesting subject even though probably least favourite. Didn't do well on individual presentation. Almost perfect for group presentation. Full mark for reflective journal.

Need to self-pat at the back.

Subject 6.

Hated this class. Interesting subject. Highest mark in class for the first presentation.

Need to stay awake in classes.

Subject 7.

Wo bu shi dao. Haiya.

Need to study as per usual.

I almost died.

On slightly related note;

Be happy. No, just hyperventilate and cheer.

Always the best; #COYG .  Congratulations on making third and into CL. 

Farewell, Pat Rice. Enjoy your retirement, I suppose.

Look at the time! Off to bed!

footnote: It's raining and this is the umbrella.

to wish you well

I wish you fair well.

I am absolutely not depressed but recently, I took my time. I preferred to be alone. I didn't mean to skip few classes and I'm not exactly troubled. I needed escapism but I realized there are very limited ways to escape. This is how it affected me.

I escaped Twelve at few points, even. Apologize me, dear friend(s). I found myself trying to distant people in several social conversations. This is how it affected me.

I'd chosen not to escape. I faced it but I suppose I got only half of what I want. Well, half is always better than nothing. I was brave and I am happy for myself. I, at least, tried. And I tried hard. It's unusual for me to give up on something I believe I can do. They said this is the hardest I can do, the furthest I can push. I thought so. I must stop trying at one point. This is how it affected me.

I have few little questions to ask. You see, I'm particularly a very curious person. If I want to know, then I WANT to know. But again, my ability to dig the answers are fairly limited. I can usually tell when people lie. Well, if the answers given do not make sense, it should be pretty obvious that those are lies (or white lies). So I dug the truth. This is how it affected me.

Yes, this is a provocative post. People hide things from me, alright. I do not mind. They probably prefer to keep things to themselves (or probably among themselves). I prefer truth - no matter how ugly it sounds like. Reasons? I am, most of the time, very direct and honest. So I dug the truth. If I give honest information, why would you not return my favour? But this is how it affected me.

You wonder why do I provoke you? It seems a little unfair, isn't it? I knew very little about some people but they know more about me. They know more, they said. They know more, they claimed. I used to hate that, really. When I first own a mobile phone, I knew few friends who used to text me. Every single questions that they ask, I'd try to provide as little answer as possible and ask them more questions so I don't have to reveal more info about me. I'm sorry.

Now is different. Well, I still haven't changed much but now I understand how much have I revealed to public about myself. I'm not even mad - except, when I realized that I know very little about others. I realized that but I know nothing that I could do.  I'm not sure of what I could do. Set my blog and Twitter on private? But I don't see much point there.

You should know, there are few puns here and there.

You should know, I prefer truth at this point because I've had haters before but I've never had a hater that I favour personally.

You should know, if the boot fits.

Just because you're forgotten, doesn't mean you're forgiven.

This is how it affected me.

On a brighter side of the post, I draw.

And I've started writing now. Okay, I restarted.

Until then.

the legendary tale of luluhana

A house that has a library in it has a soul. 

One day, I was creating an account for Twitter which should be around May in 2009. I had to choose a username and so I did.

My initial intention was to create a name so that people from both secondary schools that I attended are able to recognize me. One school calls me with Zue and the other calls me Hana.

That was where the Hana sticks. But I have trouble with Zue - particularly because ZueHana would be really weird and well, that's not my name.

So, then comes the cheesy part that I refuse to tell you here but I think you could guess the reason yourself and thus I choose to have 'L' in that name. Therefore, I replaced 'Z' with 'L' but LuHana is also super weird. Even weirder than ZueHana.

I am a big fan of repetition in words. I could explain with my obsession with the word 'Urgle-urgle' once (and still). By the way, there's no such thing as kata ganda in English. No idea why.

So I doubled Lu - it becomes Lulu. I like Lulu. Here -

This girl in red dress is Little Lulu. I used to watch the show when I was little. My brother dislikes the show but hey, I'm the eldest. Besides, he watched all sorts of other cartoons that I didn't like.

Anyway, I got Luluhana and I turned all characters to small letters - luluhana.

Hana means flower, softness, nose, graciousness, colourful, blossom, happiness, grace and faithful in many different languages.

Lulu means peaceful, calm, protected, precious and most importantly, I find it fits the meaning of my real first name - a very attractive and seducing looking woman.

Please, I beg you, not to look at me that way. I am faaaarrr from seducing. Let alone attractive.

So we have luluhana!

Not that I dislike my real name, I like it! But some people don't so - haters gonna hate. Flip ya!

Until then.

slash mistakes

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.


I've made the worst decision of the week.

Deactivating my Twitter for two days was obviously making me look weak.
And I'm not.

I'm okay.
I am brave, like you've said.

I am.



I made you bridges but you refused to cross so I'm just gonna leave you there while we are all feasting on the other side of the bridge.
All the best. All.


Until then.

to see that smile

But I will not relent. I will reach you. Because I am the sea.

I am far from being romantic. Just kidding. I am super romantic. No, joking. Ha ha.

I woke up on Saturday, feverish and sick, and decided that I need an escapism. It was really depressing to live in the Capitol. So I bought the ticket to leave, to escape.

Might as well, since the decision surprises me, I planned to surprise Twelve too.

And so I did.

To be honest, it wasn't well-planned. I got the ticket. Jumped into the train, took my seat and I met a stranger. He came from where I came from too so we did chat for almost three quarter of my journey.

I boarded and Catok and Leman fetched me. Before I left the train, I took a souvenir from the door. The middle toe on my right foot was deeply cut. All I did was laugh - until blood started to spill out from the wound. I panicked. That's what I do when I see blood.

I crashed in at Ili's place. Their beds have the best mattresses in the whole world. Trust me. Except that the weather was scorching hot. I slept to replace the hours I missed the night before because of the huge card I made for Twelve.

Then, I had no idea how to surprise Twelve and that was when An came in. He walked me to Twelve's class and we exchange stories during the walk. We sat near by of the class, hidden enough for Twelve not to see us before time.

When Twelve finished his class, I waited patiently. My body was rigid. 

He was frozen for a second when he set his eyes on me. Then, he smiled.

Small joy of success.

Until then.

footnote: The last post was not meant for Twelve and yes, I really have to make this kind of reminder since people often misunderstand my confusion or sadness.